she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
