Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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