Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
