Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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