i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
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thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
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I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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