life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
