Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You are a genius and a whore.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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