I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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