well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So apparently I’m into choking now
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