i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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