cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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