I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
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Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
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New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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