Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
