They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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