sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
