A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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