I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Farmville is her only friend.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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