I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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