I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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