I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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