Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
