I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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