so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
