why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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