I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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