If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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