He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
