i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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