one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
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