Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
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I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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