So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
