I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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