Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
