If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
