I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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