I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
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Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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