The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
