If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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