I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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