I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I touched a dick in church today
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
