I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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