You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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