is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
