my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
