I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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