I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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