i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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