Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
