Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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