I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in