Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?