You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
