The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
