You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
