I met the friendliest cop last night
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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