you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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