my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
