Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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